Tale as Old As Time
by Banette the Puppetmaster
Summary: Justin is too shallow, so he has been turned into a monster homeschooler until a Jersey Shore reject can help him learn to love other people than himself. JustAnne parody of Beauty and the Beast.
1. Once Upon a Time

**New fic! This one is for a pairing I'm getting into, Justin/Anne Maria. Though these two characters are far from favorites, I couldn't help myself! This is a parody of Beauty and the Beast, and multiple side pairings will show up. Also, there's a cameo from Season six. One more thing: I don't own Total Drama.**

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a handsome celebrity named Justin. He was very attractive-his hair was always shiny without being greasy, his shin was like terracotta cooked just right, and even if you were a heterosexual man or a lesbian, you wanted to see him with his shirt off. He made his fame on a show called Total Drama Island, and now was popular and handsome.

One day, while he was relaxing on the roof of his condo which he bought with money from many modeling deals, his maid came out. Justin had hired a couple of old contestants to work for him, which was why Bridgette now stood before him in a French Maid's outfit. She and Geoff had lost all their money from the Aftermath show on parties, which was why he was now a maitre'd and she was a maid. Humiliating, but hey, you did what you needed to in the economy.

"Justin? Someone's at the door for you."

Said model didn't bother looking at her. "So?" he said. "Tell her to come back later. I'm busy."

The surfer girl shrugged. "I tried telling her that, but I couldn't say anything. She kept talking." Justin rolled his eyes, making a mental note to find better help. Nonetheless he went down to the first floor and opened the door to find that one annoying contestant from Season Four, Staci. What did she want? Couldn't she see that she was wasting his sunbathing time?

Oh, something I should mention-Justin may have been handsome, but he was pretty much a douche He was selfish, caring for nobody but himself, and was obsessed with how handsome he was. And as he looked at Staci with disdain, he asked, "Can I help you?"

"Oh, yah. See, My home burnt down and I need a place to stay I figured, why not stay in a condo, because condos were created by my great-great-great-great uncle's cousin's niece's brother's stepmother's dog, and yours has French windows, made my my great-great-great-great-grear-great-great..."

As she went on, Justin tuned her out. _Blah, blah blah. God, she is so ugly! That warm-up suit is so not her color. And that hair! I almost can't even look at her!_

"So anyway, I was wondering if instead of rent I give you this rose?" Justin snapped back, to see the compulsive liar holding up some red rose. "Yah, this was genetically engineered by my-"

"Great, but no thanks," Justin said, ready to close the door. Looking at her too long might make him start to look ugly. "Good luck with whatever, bye."

Staci stuck her foot in the door, looking a bit angrier now. "Don't let appearances fool you, Justin," she said slowly. "Now, can I stay here?"

Justin looked her over. "Lose the hair, clothes, and twenty pounds, then talk to me." As he started to close the door, a blinding blast of light hit him, and he crashed into the wall. Groggily looking up, Staci floated in the air as melodious singing filled the air, Staci began to change, her body morphing into a smaller, petite form, her clothes becoming a lovely dress, and her hair turning black and rather fashionable. She landed on the ground, ending on a high note.

"Who...who are you?" he asked, now scared.

The girl smiled, giggling. "My name is Ella," she said in a high-pitched voice. "I came to test your heart, and teach you a lesson before I join the show for real!"

Justin got up, trembling. "W-what do you want from me? Money? Fame? Noah?" He pulled the bookworm, who was also his butler, in front of him for safety.

"Yeah, because _I'm _totally gonna hide you from anything," he snarked, being smaller than the toned hottie.

"No-though Noah _is _kinda cute..." Ella shook her head. "No, you need to learn humility. Kindness. Love. Which is why I'm doing _THIS!_" Ella pointed her finger at Justin, who shrunk lower behind Noah. But the ray of light hit the entire condo, and everyone in it-Geoff, Bridgette, Noah, and three others, Dakota(who was visiting at the time), DJ and his momma. Everyone felt a change, but Justin most of all. As the lights faded, Noah put a hand to his face. A...mustache?! He looked in the mirror, and sure enough, he had a pointed mustache at 7:20, like a clock.

Justin stood, and was surprised by a gasp from Noah, who looked shocked. "What? What is it?" He looked behind him, in the mirror-and was horrified. His skin was now green and blotchy, his hair was almost nonexistent and had small brown strands, and he was scrawny and gross, as if he fell into a volcano.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! MY HANDSOMENESS! Change me back, I'm sorry!" Ella frowned, feeling a little bad, but shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I can't, not until you can find someone who can love you and who you can love, not based on looks. Oh-and here." She handed Noah the rose, as well as a slip of paper with her number on it. "You have to do it before the last petal falls, or you'll be like this forever. And unfortunately, your servants will turn household objects-sorry, Noah. Well, bye!"

Noah and Justin tried to stop her, but she was carried away by a little deer that had inexplicably showed up. Both watched in horror as a petal fell.

"Okay, don't panic," Noah said, putting the rose in a vase. "Just stop being selfish, and-Justin?"

Justin was now in a fetal position, rocking back and forth. "My face...my beautiful face..." he whispered, looking comically pathetic.

Noah looked at him in disbelief. "We're doomed."

* * *

**I'll update _You Again _soon, I promise. But I just wanted to get these out of the way first!**


	2. Friends and Freaks

**So, Gidgette is canon in this fic, and so is Cameron/Dawn. Jo/Lightning might happen, if I don't kill off Lightning. Samkota shall happen too, and maybe a few other pairs, if you guys want.**

* * *

"Anne Maria! Open up!"

Sam peeked inside the house, then at the guy knocking on the door repeatedly.

"I don't think she's here, Lightning," he said. This was the third time today that he'd been dragged off by the jock to go hunt down the Jersey Shore knock-off. Sam wondered why Lightning always felt like bringing him along-maybe to boost his ego? Eh, he didn't care, his mom wanted him to lose weight anyway. Plus, he might end up meeting a girl out here.

"Pssh, no way! Where would she go? She knew Lightning was gonna come by, Anne Maria's just gettin' all prettied up!"

"Oh." Wow, Lightning knew a lot about girls, huh? Well, with Katie and Sadie always hanging around him, no wonder. Out of the corner of his eye, Lightning saw someone sneak around the back. Only one person he knew had hair like that.

"ANNE MARIA! Sha-wait up!"

She stopped in her tracks, irritated as heck. Dang, he saw her... "Hello, Lightning," she said with clenched teeth. Jeez, this guy was so annoying! All he ever did was talk about himself... It had taught her to be slightly humble, not much. But close.

"Hey, Anne Maria! How're you?" He sauntered over to her, Sam jogging behind. Before she could say anything, he started talking again. "Lightning's doing sha-mazing! I just ran twenty laps arou.d town in ten minutes-a new record! They even gave me a new trophy! Wanna see ut?"

"Uh, no." Anne Maria rolled her eyes. "Look, I'm goin' to the store, kay? See ya later?"

"Why? What do you need? I'll get it for you!"

Anne Maria started listing off her items. "Magazines, hairspray, spraytan, a iTunes giftcard-"

"Woah, woah, sha-woah. Why waste your time with that crap? Jersey Shore people are freaks!" Lightning laughed, Sam joining in awkwardly. "Almost as freaky as your nerd roommate!"

Anne Maria scoffed, crossing her arms. "Cameron pays the rent, so I ain't complainin'! Sides, he ain't weird, he's a ge-"

_CRASH!_

Suddenly the ground shook, and the front window broke, sending two folk out, the smaller one first, crushed by the bigger. A third person came out the front door, Cameron's girlfriend, Dawn. The bigger one, B got up, and helped a flattened Cameron to his feet. The whole time Lightning was cracking up.

"Some genius!" He said between fits of laughter. Sam looked nervous. "Uh...heh..."

"Very funny," Cameron said, adjusting his glasses with an irritated look on his face. Dawn came out to him, glaring at Lightning. "Don't let your desperate need to live up to your father dictate a need to be cruel to others," she said.

Lightning looked stunned. "Hey! Who told you that?"

"Your aura makes it clear," she replied calmly. "As well as the fact that you don't like Anne Maria, but-"

Lightning covered her mouth with his hand. "Shut it," he whispered. He laughed out loud, then frowned, "Come on, Sam, we're out."

Cameron waved goodbye to the gamer. "Bye, Sam." Sam waved as well, following Lightning until coming back. "Hey guys. Sorry I laughed...you ojay?" B nodded, smiling reassuringly.

As Cameron and Sam started conversing, Dawn felt a disturbance in the mood. Looking behind her she saw Anne Maria looking away. "You aren't a freak," she said, approaching the brunette.

Anne Maria whirled around in shock, then glared at the moonchild. "Excuse me? The hell do you know I was thinkin' that?"

"Your aura?" Anne Maria huffed, irritated, and Dawn smiled sympathetically. "People think I'm a freak, as well, but you really shouldn't care what people think. Being different isn't a bad thing."

"But I don't wanna be different!" Anne Maria cried. "I wanna be respected fo' who I am, rather than ridiculed for what I like! Is that too much to,ask?!"

"Don't worry, we know how you feel." Cameron came up next to Dawn, smiling at Anne Maria. "Before I met Dawn and B, I pretty much stated in my bubble, and was always teased." An egg hit his head, and he winced. "Like that," he said, looking at tge person who threw it. Jo laughed, called him,something quite rude, and ran off.

"Well, but you find people to accept you. And you learn to not worry about others."

Sam looked down, feeling a pit in his stomach. He stayed silent.

"B wants you to know we're here for you. We may be different, but we're here." Anne Maria smiled. "Aww, thanks, guys! You're so sweet! ...weird, but sweet!"

B smiled, looking at his watch. Urgently he tapped Cameron on the shoulder, showing him the time.

"Oh, man!" He ran into the house, pulling out a wagon, with a big steel contraption on it. It was covered in pipes and gears, and blew out green smoke.

"We've got to get to the science fair, fast!" he said, as Dawn went over to him and kissed his cheek. "Stay calm, Cameron," she said, smiling. "And good luck." Cameron blushed. "Thanks, Dawn," he replied, waving to Sam and Anne Maria. B did the same. "Bye!"

With that, the two were gone. Anne Maria looked at Dawn. "Uh, what were ya sayin' about Lightning?"

"Oh," she replied. "He's attracted to someone else, but having issues dealing with it."

* * *

"Ow! Watch it!"

Lightning turned to glare at Jo, who'd bumped into him,whole running. "People walk other than you, Jockstrap," she answered irritably. "Or do you not register anyone other than yourself?"

"I don't have time for this," he replied quickly. "I'm off to polish my sha-trophy."

"For what? That dumb record? I'm actually gonna break that tomorrow," she said, smirking.

"What? Hell no! No one runs like Lightning!" He crossed his arms, looking smug.

"Oh yeah? Prove it! Me and you, let's have a race. Now."

"No."

"What do you mean, no? What, you chicken now?"

"I said no, kay?" He sounded upset, suddenly serious. Jo decided to just leave for now, not before making a few clucking noises.

_Stupid Jo..._ Lightning watched her go, turning to go home. Ever since he found out she was a girl, and rewatched their season of Total Drama, he'd started seeing her in a whole new light-which freaked him out. A lot. Which is why chasing down Anne Maria was so important-he needed to get Jo out if his head!

* * *

"Okay, so, say Bridgette is a fair maiden."

Noah was standing in front of Justin, who was rather irritable right now. Bridgette was there as well, her dress starting to grow feathers. Geoff, hands up at a 90° angle, glared at him. "Hey! That's my girlfriend you're talking about, dude!"

Noah rolled his eyes. These lessons were not going well. "Now, compliment her."

Justin stood up, looking at Bridgette. "Uh...you look...almost as good as me!" He looked around for approval, and got none.

"Ahh! This is so..._STUPID!_" He picked up a chair and threw it, hitting Geoff in the head. The party guy fell with a thud, stars spinning around his head.

"SUGAR BUNS!" Bridgette cried, running to her boyfriend. Noah started hitting his head on the wall. They were screwed. With Justin's stupidity and newfound temper, they'd never find a girl who'd want him

Time to look up new job offers...

* * *

**I love Noah, he's so much fun to write for. Well, that's all for now. Bye, guys!**


	3. Meeting the Beast

**Yay, finally updating! This is a pretty long chapter, and I included two cameos from the original seasons, because I realize I've been using a crapton of ROTI characters. I might include references to side pairings here and there, so be warned. Also, yes, Justin looks like Zombie Ezekiel in his cursed state. Considering the latter's affections for Anne Maria, it could be pretty funny.**

* * *

"Are you sure this is the right way, B?"

It was nightfall now, and Cameron and B were lost. For his massive intelligence, B just wasn't good with directions. And having hauled around a massive piece of machinery all day didn't help matters, either.

Cameron sat on the curb, hungry and tired, wondering how the girls were doing. Hopefully they were better off than he was.

* * *

"So, how you likin' Jersey Shore, Dawn?"

Too polite to give her honest opinion, that she felt dumber for watching this nightmarish show, Dawn smiled. "It is...certainly interesting," she replied. When she'd offered to stay the night with Anne Maria, she'd never expected to be watching junk on cable, or having to continually deal with the disgusting hairspray scent.

"I know, right?" Anne Maria asked proudly, spraying said chemicals into her hair. "Know what? You're such a doll fo' stayin' over, Imma give you a makeover! Fun or what?"

Dawn gulped. "Fun..."

* * *

Cameron lifted his head up, having heard a noise. "D-did you hear that? It sounded like someone yelling..."

And sure enough, out ran Tyler, who crashed into B, falling flat o. his back. B helped the "jock" up, and he looked around. "You guys gotta help me!" Tyler cried, the living embodiment of fear. "I broke Eva's iPod!"

"YOU ARE A DEADMAN, TYLER!"

Both Cameron and Tyler screamed, and B looked on in alarm as Eva charged into view, ready to kill anything she saw. All three took off running, and Eva charged after, and with one swing of her fist demolished the invention.

She chased them up one street and down the other. She chased them through avenues, boulevards, intersections, you name it. It was quite a display, and the screaming of the terrified saps was so loud, that it could be heard almost anywhere.

So loud, in fact, that Geoff and Bridgette heard it while in the middle of making out. It had been three months since Justin had pretty much ruined their lives, and they were trying to get as much time together as possible before they became things and not people. Geoff was farther gone than his girlfriend-his hands had turned into candles, as had his hat. The fact that he couldn't play his stereo was a total bummer.

"You hear that, Bridge?" he asked.

Noah looked up at the couple from his armchair, rolling his eyes. His organs had started turning into gears, and his moustache started showing the time. He was currently obsessed with finding out how any of that was scientifically possible.

"No Geoff," the butler said sarcastically. "I'm pretty sure that whatever was making that noise was nothing. Certainly couldn't be those guys out there, who've been running for their lives for the past ten minutes." Sure enough, Cameron, B and Tyler were all running from Eva. Bridgette, who'd been sitting on Geoff's lap, jumped up.

"We should help them," she said, concerned. "They can't outrun Eva for long!"

"I honestly wouldn't do it if I were you," Noah replied, not even looking up from his book. "I don't think Justin could handle it right now. I couldn't, either."

In fact, the former model was in his room, staring at his old pictures from when he was handsome. A petal fell from the flower, prompting him to let out a loud sob that echoed through the halls.

Geoff grinned. "Well, maybe Justin could fall on love with one of the dudes outside!" Upon looking at the four folks, however, he shrugged. "...or not."

"Well, I don't care," Bridgette said, running to the door. "_I'm _helping them!" Before Noah or Geoff could say anything, she'd opened the door, allowing Cameron and B in. Tyler would've followed suit, but he tripped on his shoelace, which the fool had forgotten to tie. Bridgette slammed the door as Eva pounced, wincing at the growling and screaming coming from without.

"Sorry," she said aloud, turning her attention to the two newcomers. Both were nearly out of breath, this being the most physically straining thing either one had done in months. In fact, Cameron was wheezing, and frantically searching his pockets.

"Dude!" Geoff walked over to him. "Did you lose your keys?"

Cameron tried to talk, everything coming out in a wheeze. He brought his hand to his mouth and made some spraying motion.

"Wait...oh I know!" The bubble boy smiled feebly-only to be hit in the head by an angry partier. "You want breath spray, huh? Planning on kissing my girl, huh-OW!"

Out of nowhere a purse hit Geoff square in the face, knocking him on his feet. Glaring over him was a short stout woman wearing purple, as if going to church or a Red Hatter's meeting. One hand was on her hip, while the other held the purse.

"Boy, what is **wrong** with you?!" She barked in a shrill yet masculine voice. "This poor child needs an inhaler!" She set her purse down and tried ruffling through it, but it was hard keeping her extended hand mobile. "You," she commanded to B, "Be a lamb and get the red inhaler out of my bag." The silent genius complied, finding the inhaler and giving it to Cameron, who was incredibly relieved when he took a long puff, now breathing normally.

"Thanks," he said in relief, before really getting a good look around. There was a woman who looked ready to perform "I'm a Little Teapot," a passed out guy with candles for hands, a girl covered in feathers, helping him up, and a guy reading a book, with a strange mustache. Wait...

"You guys were all on Total Drama, right?" Not from his season, though, but still, it was cool. "What happened to you guys?

"Well, we certainly weren't cursed, if that's what you were wondering," Noah said, shutting his book. "Now, it's late. You two should really-"

"_WOW!_" The butler jumped as the two approached him. "Are those gears? Inside you? How is that scientifically possible?!" Noah backed off as B came closer, actually opening the case in his chest and looking in.

"Hey, cut that out!" He snapped the case shut again, glaring at both of them. "You two need to leave, now."

"But Noah," Bridgette helped prop Geoff up, looking at him imploringly. "We can't let them out there to deal with Eva again!"

"Yeah, dude, have a heart!" Geoff laughed. "Besides, if we're careful, Justin'll never know!"

The woman went to the two. "Let me get you some cookies," she said. "You boys must be starving. _DJ!"_ A tall boy came running in, holding a plate of chocolate chip cookies. His white beanie was blowing out steam, and his torso looked to be on fire. jutting out front was a stove top.

"Here you are, Momma," he said, handing off the plate. He smiled at the two. "Momma makes the best cookies."

Cameron blinked. "Wait...so your mother is a teacup, and you're..."

"An oven." DJ sighed. "I wanted to be a cute little teacup, but I'm this big old thing instead." He was obviously very upset about this, but he shook his head. "It's okay, because at least I can still be in the kitchen."

B and Cameron took a cookie each, but before they could eat them, a roar could be heard from the bedroom. Well, not really a roar, more like a yell. A barely masculine yell.

DJ jumped into his mother's arms, freaked out. Noah jumped, and Bridgette grabbed onto her boyfriend. Cameron and B were left to look around in pure confusion and terror. "W-who was that?!" Cameron asked, trembling.

"Ahehehe...no one," Geoff said, laughing nervously. "Certainly not a mutated freak..."

"I recommend you leave, if you want to live," Noah hissed, still managing to sound deadpan. But before anyone could, Justin burst into the room. B and Cameron gawked at him.

"Hey...aren't you that Ezekiel guy?"

Justin let out another yell. "How _dare_ you?! I am not some freaky little monster! It's me, Justin! The handsome contestant! Wait-why are you two even here?!" Justin already didn't take a liking to these two. The duo glanced at each other, then before Cameron could speak for both of them, Geoff butted in. "Uh...these dudes are here to help you with the curse!"

Justin paused, then frowned. "Eww, do I have to fall for one of these two? But that one's so fat! And you, how much do you weigh, negative zero?"

B looked offended, Cameron was trying to figure out whether or not to tell Justin that negative zero wasn't actually a thing, and Bridgette stepped in for her boyfriend.

"Well, actually, they could find you someone-"

"More nerds? No way!" Justin snapped his fingers and out came a giant walking shark. "Fang, put these two in the basement. Hopefully they'll die and take their ugliness with them."

Fang sniggered, plucking up Cameron by his hoodie and grabbing B's(no way in Hell was he carrying that guy", and led them away. All the while, Cameron was thinking about Dawn and Anne Maria. What were they going to do?

* * *

"Dawn! DAAAAAWWWWNNN!"

The moonchild woke up, slowly remembering to balance the ridiculous beehive Anne Maria worked into her hair. "Hunh...?"

You were jabberin' in yer sleep," she said, sitting up in bed. "Jeez, if yer gonna share my bed, you gotta have some decency!" She sprayed some hairspray in her bigger-than-life 'do for emphasis.

"I'm sorry," Dawn said. "Something must have been troubling me. Unfortunately, I don't know what."

"Well, can ya figger it out latah? Some a us need our beauty sleep," the Jersey girl yawned before falling asleep.

Dawn looked at her, then settled back into bed. Hmm, what could be off tonight? Cameron and B would be back tomorrow, and Anne Maria was safe from whatever dumb plans Lightning had, so why worry?

She went back to sleep, completely unaware of the sleepless night their friends were about to experience.

* * *

**Poor Dawn, stuck with a beehive, hahaha. But don't worry, she'll be fine I hope. But yep, both Cameron and B are now in peril. Honestly, I don't know why I added B. Maybe he'll be more interesting later?**


	4. A Marvelous Marriage

**I don't own Jersey Shore. This caper was kind of a filler to get two plot points moving, and a way to whine about how I don't have Pokémon X...*sob*. Lucky Sam... Also, special appearance by one of our favorite OOC characters! Yay!**

* * *

Sam walked down the street, unaware of the fact that he'd almost caused a car accident, as his eyes were glued to his 3DS screen. Finally, he'd gotten his hands on Pokemon X! And it was the best game ever. In fact, he was certain his eyes couldn't be pulled from the screen until Super Smash Bros came out.

But as he got to Cameron's house, he was proved dead wrong.

When he'd gotten a text from Lightning that morning, he hadn't expected any of this. A big gazebo sat in the front yard, and Lightning stood in his jersey and a pair of dress pants. Katie and Sadie were crying about losing such a handsome guy, and Lindsay was crying because Tyler was gonna get married to Snooki(she was convinced that that was Anne Maria's name). Harold stood there, dressed like a priest.

"Yo, Sam!" Lightning waved him over. The gamer closed his game and walked forward, stunned. "Sweet, huh? Lightning's gettin' sha-married!"

"Cool! ...to who?"

"S...Snooki!" Lindsay wailed, causing all the girls to cry again. Lightning just stood there, proud.

"What the hell are you morons doing?" Jo entered the scene, hands on her hips. Lightning pointed at her and laughed.

"In your face, Jo! I'm getting married to Anne Maria today!"

"Really now." The jockette looked around at the little ceremony. "And Carrot Top over there is running the ceremony?"

Harold took the time to butt in. "Well, yeah. I got my license to marry people at Funky Fresh Steve's Marriage Camp. My skills are top-notch!" Trent walked by, muttering something about a Ninth God and performing a ceremony nine times, but Jo ignored him.

"Well, where's the bride?" All eyes turned to Lightning who merely shrugged. "Eh, I still gotta propose. But she'll say yes. Who could say no to the Lightning? Sha-BAM!" with that, he took off for the house.

* * *

"Yo! Anne Maria!"

Anne Maria rolled her eyes and opened the door. Dawn was acting all weird, so she chose to talk to Lightning. Better get it over with.

"Yeah," she asked with a bored tone. Without warning, Lightning walked in, looking around approvingly. "Nice place," he said. "Not as sweet as mine, though."

"HEY!" She stormed behind him, angry. "Don' just barge into people's houses! It's rude!"

Lightning ignored her, turning around. "Anyway, when do you wanna move out? Maybe after the honeymoon? Or before?"

"The hell are you talkin' about?"

"After we get married, sha-duh."

Anne Maria stared at him in absolute disbelief, while he smiled, taking the silence as a good thing.

"Uh. Whatta ya mean, when we get married? We ain't gettin married!"

Lightning chuckled. "Well, yeah, we are! You're hot, I'm smoking, it's meant to be!" Anne Maria tapped her foot for a moment, finally going to the closet. Lightning grinned, assuming she was getting a wedding dress(which she totally would have just laying around. It's logic.) Instead, what she came back holding caused the athlete to cower in fear with a scream. "N-no! Noo!"

Anne Maria glared at him, holding Cameron's old Iron Man suit from Season Four. Huh, who knew Lightning would be scared of that, of all things. "Yeah, back off, loser! Or I'll put on da suit an' make you incapable a havin' kids!"

Lightning stared at her blankly. She sighed and tried again.

"I'll kick ya in da nuts!"

Still the blank stare. "Just leave," she said, aggravated. Which he did, scrambling out of the house. When he got back, he saw Harold arguing with Trent while Sam played his game. Jo must've left.

Sam, without looking up, asked, "So, how'd it go?"

Lightning straightened up, determined not to lose face. "Psh, playing hard to get. But she'll say yes soon. Lightning won't take Jo for an answer."

It took him a minute to realize what he said. "No! I won't take _no_ for an answer." He laughed, grateful that Sam was distracted.

* * *

Anne Maria tossed the suit back into the closet and sat down on the couch. "Ay ay ay," she muttered. That idiot always made her lose brain cells! No way was she gonna marry him!

Suddenly Dawn came into the room, her hair back to normal and looking terrified.

"Anne Maria," she said urgently. "I need to get to the condos on A Street! A bird told me that Cameron and B are being held prisoner, and-"

"Woah, woah, woah. How can a _bird_ tell you somethin' like dat?"

Dawn sighed. "Never mind. But I have to get there as soon as I can!" She started for the door when Anne Maria got up. "I'm comin' too. The cable bill's due tomorrow, an' if he don' pay it, I can't watch my shows! Let's go!"

Dawn muttered something under her breath about priorities and followed.

Both girls were in too much of a hurry to notice the wedding setup on the front yard. But everyone else noticed them.

"Hey! Snooki's leaving!" Katie chirped happily. "Maybe now I have a chance with Lightning!"

"No he's mine!" Sadie yelled.

"No, mine!"

"Mine!"

"Both of you stay away from Tyler!" Lindsay yelled, pouncing on both of them.

While the catfight was going on, Lightning picked Sam up by the collar. "Sam! You need to follow them, and tell me where they're going!"

Sam glared at Lightning, upset about not getting to play his game. "Why me?"

"Sha-duh! We can afford to lose you!" Lightning pushed him in their direction. "Now _go!_" Like that, the gamer was off, cursing the day he'd ever though becoming Lightning's toady was a good idea.

* * *

**There we go! So we have three people off to the condo, and a very P.O'd Lightning. Sorry this chapter is short, I'll make up for it with the next one.**


	5. Prisoners

**The last chapter for this update of ****_Tale as Old as Time._**** It gets a little serious during the end, but that will rarely ever happen in this fic-it's mostly comedy! Also, a twist not from the originally story takes place as well.**

* * *

"I hope you realize that this whole mess is your fault," Noah told Geoff as they walked from the pool on the roof. Justin had given them extra chores for bringing ugly nerds into his home, and Noah would up doing both his and Geoff's jobs, being the only one of the two with hands.

"It's not my fault, dude!" Geoff cried indignantly. "Bridge and I are just nice people. You're the party pooper who ruins everything!"

"I could be your type of 'fun' if I wanted to," Noah said calmly, getting into the elevator. "But I choose not to. Your fun led to me wasting two hours of my life cleaning a pool."

"But, we might not be human ever again," the blonde said, deflating. "Doesn't that bug you a little?"

Noah paused, thinking. "Yeah," he said finally. "It does. But whatever, it's not like we have a chance." The elevator flew down to the first floor, and both got out. "I mean, it's not like some girl is gonna just waltz in here, and-"

Just then both Dawn and Anne Maria stormed in, knocking both down. The boys looked after them in shock.

"I stand corrected," Niah said, brushing off himself before helping an excited Geoff up. "Dude, know what this means? One of those chicks might break the spell! Righteous!" He hurried off after them. Noah merely rolled his eyes and followed along.

Dawn ran down the stairs to the basement with Anne Maria. "The bird said they were in the basement," she said, finding the door blocked by Fang.

"Great," Anne Maria said sarcastically. "Some dumb shark's in da way. We'll nevah get in!" Dawn, meanwhile had walked to the two-legged shark and started talking to it. To Anne Maria's disbelief, Fang smiled, laughed and moved aside, allowing both girls in.

"Thank you," Dawn said as she walked in. "Tell your mother that I said hello." In the middle of the dimly lit room sat Cameron and B, both tied to chairs. Cameron beamed as soon as he saw his girlfriend. "Dawn!"

The blonde girl rushed over to him embracing him. "Are you all right?" She asked. "Other than spending the night tied to a chair, I mean."

"Oh, we're fine," Cameron said reassuringly. "This really nice guy snuck us in some food last night, and Fang wasn't too bad company."

"Well, great, but let's get outta here," Anne Maria added, untying B, who suddenly looked like he'd seen a ghost.

Dawn got up and looked at him. "B, what was that? The man who captured you is-"

"Me." In walked Justin, followed by Fang, who looked ashamed. No one knew that Sam had just come in and was at the foot of the stairs, listening. Justin turned on the lights, showing just how hideous and crusty he looked. Anne Maria screamed. "EZEKIEL?!"

Dawn shook her head. "No," she said, getting up. "His aura is different. Your nane is Justin?" Said model nodded. "Yes, and you're both from the fourth season of Total Drama, right?" And both were hot, too-well, maybe not so much the blonde, as she was kind of plain. But the brunette...she was a babe.

"Well, whatta ya doin' tyin' up my roomie?" Anne Maria snapped, hands on hips. "Are you crazy o' somethin'?!"

Justin rolled his eyes. "They came into my house uninvited," he said. "They disturbed my sanctuary. Plus, they're ugly."

"We are not!" Cameron said, standing up as Dawn had untied him. "It's not our fault, we were chased here!"

"It doesn't matter anyway!" Justin moved towards the four, then stuck his thumb at the door. "You're free to go." They all cheered, until Justin spoke up again.

"That is, you guys are free to go. The girls have to stay."

"WHAT?!" roared three of the four. Justin pulled Dawn and Anne Maria to him, wrapping his arms around both girls' shoulders. "For one thing, there are two people who disturbed me last night," he said, holding up three fingers for emphasis. "Argal, I need two prisoners. Besides, I need these two for, ah..." he winked. "Special purposes."

"Like hell ya do, pervert!" Anne Maria whipped a can of hairspray out of her purse and sprayed it in his face. Justin screamed and fell to the floor in a fetal position. "MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" he cried, clutching his eyes.

Geoff heard the commotion and came running down the stairs. "Dude, what's going o-OOOAAAAHH!" He bumped into Sam, sending both toppling down the stairs. Geoff fell flat on his face, while Sam kept going, landing in a sitting position with his legs hitting aboard. Hard. "Ow..." he muttered an octave higher than usual, clutching at his crotch and falling on his side.

Justin sat up and laughed for a while. "Physical pain is so funny when it's not happening to me!" he said, wiping a tear from his eye. "Okay, I changed my mind. Blondie can go, the fat one stays?"

Sam looked up at Justin. "Huh? But why...?"

"Why wouldn't I? You're hilarious! You'll probably get hurt a lot more. I'm making you my own personal comedian!" He got up, now in business mode. "Fang, escort these three out." Fang walked up to the trio, pulling them away. "Wait!" Cameron yelled as ge was dragged off. "Sorry," Justin shrugged, turning to Geoff. "You, take Sam to the servant's quarters."

Sam sat up. "Since when do condos have servant's quarters?"

Justin rolled his eyes. "Since I wanted them installed, duh." Geoff walked over to Sam. "Come on, dude, let's go. Sorry about this." Sam got up. "It's okay. It's better than Lightning."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"And as for _you-_" Justin noticed the brunette sitting down, not even looking at him. What kind of gratitude was that?!

"I couldn' say goodbye," she said quietly.

"What?"

"YA DIDN' LET ME SAY GOODBYE!" She got up on her feet, glaring at him. "Those were the only friends I had in this hellhole, an' I couldn' say goodbye! What kinna monster _are _you?! Now I'm stuck here, no idea who you are or what I'll be doin', an' I'm all alone!" She sat back down, trying to contain her emotions.

Justin stared at her in shock, not sure how to respond to that outburst. He remembered Noah's lessons-this was not the way you wanted a woman to respond to you at all, was it?

Girls were so difficult... With a sigh he walked over to her and extended his hand. "I'll show you to your room," he said. ",You won't be staying down here." Anne Maria didn't take his hand, but stared straight at him, standing up. He turned around and left the room, and she followed. neither one saying anything.

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**That's it! Sam and Anne Maria are now prisoners, and Justin is as suave as he thinks. Self centered jerk. You know, I am excited to get on with continuing this story, I already have most of it mapped out. But I wanted to leave you guys with something before I disappear again. Till next Time!**


	6. Welcome Home

**It took forever, but I'm back with another update! Sorry for the wait, I was busy, with-believe it or not**-**our school's production of ****_Beauty and the Beast_****! That's actually where I got the idea to write this-though within a few chapters it'll be less of a cute parody and more of a "Dear holy crap, she's ruining my childhood" parody. Wait till you see what I have in store later on... Anyway, in this chapter, we meet another character I mentioned earlier, and see a bit of a side pairing. Enjoy!**

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The condo was the epitome of luxury. Beautiful, modern furniture, a HD plasma screen, and anything a teenager would want. Anne Maria would've been all over it-had she been dealing with anyone else. But this guy was so ugly, looking just like that freaky Ezekiel kid from before! And what did he want, kidnapping her?! First chance she got, she'd call the cops!

"Now," he said, as he walked. "There's a pool on the roof and a hot tub, the food here is okay-careful when asking for low-fat options. Bridgette can bring you anything you want, so can Noah. Oh-and you can go wherever. EXCEPT my room?"

Anne Maria rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. Why would I even WANT to go in there?" What was she, two?

"Just don't go in there," he repeated, sounding equally irritated. "Here. This is your room."

He opened the door, and she gasped in spite of her self. It was like her dream room or something. The walls were a deep purple, with zebra-print blankets and pillows. There was a stereo with CDs piled up in a shelf, and what looked like a walk-in closet?!

Anne Maria walked in as if in a dream. Holy crap. "I ordered this all from a magazine," Justin was saying. "Noah told me to get a room for a girl in case, so I figured most girls would like it. It's honestly nicer than mine," he added with a hint of envy.

This was all so crazy...she sat on the bed, and instantly felt compelled to lie down. It was so soft. "Great, isn't it? A feather-down mattress from the finest Norwegian craftsmen. It's the only thing I'll ever sleep on."

Suddenly she shot up, glaring at him. Okay, where did this guy get off? "Whataya want from me, huh?" she snapped. "Where's da payoff for alla dis junk? Am I sposed ta fall to your every whim, or somethin'?!"

Justin paused. Yes, that was totally the plan. But play it cool, use charm. He smiled at her, and she winced. Oh yeah, he was ugly. "Look, I know this is all...crazy. But I'm sure you'll learn to love it here. I'll give you some space right now."

He turned to leave, then stopped and turned around. "Oh yeah-you, me, dinner tonight. Be there." He left her, not saying a word or letting her get one in edgewise.

Anne Maria balled her hands into fists. "Ovah my dead body!" she shrieked at the door. To say she was pissed was an understatement. Well, at least she could check out that walk-in closet...Getting up off the bed she opened the door...

And saw a wardrobe with a head sticking out.

"AAAAHHHH!" She shrieked, backing up and tripping over a chair.

"AAAAHHHH!" The wardrobe bumped into the wall, knocking down a row of purses. Anne Maria got up, shocked.

"What the-who the hell are you?!"

The wardrobe walked forward-and the the brunette's surprise, it turned out to be a girl. She was blonde, and actually had a decent tan. She looked shocked that Anne Maria didn't know who she was. "Dakota Milton," she replied. "Don't you remember me, from our season? I turned into a mutant...?"

Anne Maria shrugged. Dakota gasped in horror. "Then I've been totally forgotten! This has got to be, like, the worst thing ever!" She looked close to tears, and Anne Maria sighed. "Yeah, well, I'm stuck here 'gainst my will. Your life ain't that bad."

"You don't get it!" Dakota wailed miserably. "After this stupid curse happened, I had to break up with Sam-"

"Ew, Nerd Boy? I thought he liked you-"

"I was a mutant, then! He'd never want a girlfriend who's slowly turning into furniture!" She sighed. "I should never have tried visiting with Justin about modeling deals..."

"Modeling deals? _Him? _Ha!" That was almost too funny...

Dakota looked at her in shock. "But haven't you seen him before? Here-" She pulled out her phone, scrolling through pictures. "This is what he used to look like."

_That_ hunk was Justin?! How did he get to looking like...Matter of fact, how did Dakota become a Wardrobe?

Sensing Anne Maria would have questions, the blonde started her story. "Well, Justin refused to let Staci-"

"Who?"

"She was in our sea-never mind. Anyway, she wanted to stay over, bht he thought she was too ugly, so she transformed into Ella-"

"Ella?"

"She'll be in the next season. Well, she cursed Justin to look like a freak until he found someone to love and be loved by. And everyone here became inanimate objects."

"Wait. So if I fall foh Justin, he'll be hot again?"

Dakota blinked. "Well, yeah, but you shouldn't want to date a guy because he's-"

It was too late. Anne Maria had taken off to hunt down the model. Dakota sighed. She probably had no idea how love worked. Herself, the famous teen did, but she'd ended it. No way Sam would want a wardrobe for a girlfriend.

"Here's her room. Justin said he wanted you to cheer her up." Dakota looked at the door, hearing Geoff's voice. Who was he talking to...

"But how? I've never been funny, even when I try!"

No...it couldn't be-**Sam?!**

"It's all good, dude! Just be yourself! People'll laugh at you in no time!"

And they were coming into the room...Dakota shut the closet door, hiding as both came in. Sam was saying, "Don't you mean, laughing _with_?"

Geoff chuckled. "Whatever. Hey, where'd she go?"

Lo and behold, the Jersey girl was nowhere to be found. Geoff started to panic. What if she had taken off? Justin would _kill_ him! "Uh...you sit tight, dude," he told Sam as he ran to the door. "I'll be right back."

Sam sighed and sat down, feeling miserable. He was friendless, girlfriendless, had a crappy new job he didn't want, and, worst of all...he left his 3DS at home. His poor Xerneas must've been lonely...

From behind the door, there was so much Dakota wanted to do, seeing her ex there. She wanted to run out there and hold him, let him know that she hated her life too. But she couldn't. The geekiness she loved from him helped cover the while "my-girlfriend-is-a-giant-mutant" thing, but the idea of her becoming a wardrobe, and possibly losing all thoughts, life...it would be too much, even for such a sweet guy. Which was why she had to call it off, before he got hurt. But seeing him there made her regret it.

"Oh, Sam," she said softly. "I don't know what to do." As a sudden sound like a whoopie cushion burst out, and a foul stench filled the air, Dakota gave a small cry of disgust and covered her nose.

Well, there was one thing she could do.

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**Well, here's where things start taking a turn for the not-Disney. I actually have the next chapter mapped out in my head, and it'll be up, hopefully within a week or two. And if you're wondering where Cameron, Dawn, Lightning and the people not trapped with the cursed model are, they'll be back in the chapter after next. Until next time!**


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